What to do When your Honesty is surrounded by others Dishonesty?

The great majority of people are honest by nature. The conflict starts when their honesty has to battle the dishonesty of others.

Here are 5 pointers for every honest person to understand -
1. Selfishness trap – Dishonest people will never think about your happiness. Stop living in false hope. The more time you take to understand their degree of selfishness, the more you’ll suffer.

2. Deaf to honesty – Its doesn’t matter how much you “counsel” them about what is right or wrong. They will only follow the path which gives them happiness.
It doesn’t matter to them, how bad that path hurts you!!

3. Power of words – Dishonest person use words to the best of their benefit. They can easily create stories that make others feel sympathetic for them or angry against you. They mostly use this when you are not around.
The way to battle these falsies is by openly speaking and clarifying the truth with others, specially in front of them.

4. Smoke screen – Dishonest people try and create a “smoke screen” around your mind.This smoke screen is made up of fear, their own interpretation of social laws, anger and abuses.
The main purpose is to make you do whatever they feel is right.

5. Create Mental weakness – As a psychiatrist Most Honest people I have met are sensitive and kind hearted. A Dishonest person uses all of the above and other psychological ways to introduce a mental weakness inside of you.
Fear, sadness, anger and guilt create a deadly trap that prevents you from taking right steps towards happiness.
You might not be able to fight this mental weakness alone, so seek help.

Dishonest people run away from a strong minded honest person!!

written by -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (Motivational Writer, Psychiatrist and Social Influencer)

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Why its tough being a Daughter-in-law in India?

I been wanting to write this one since long time. I would really be pleased if even one person changed after reading this.

I remember one incident. Way back during my Post-Graduation days, I was treating a young lady who was facing major depression because of in-laws related harassment. While discussing my progress, a senior of mine said -
“Spend some extra-time on this case, You are going to come across hundreds if not thousands of them in your life..”
If you ask me Today, even I would give the same advice to any young counselor or psychiatrist.

Irrespective of your religion, caste or creed.. Here are 5 OUTRAGEOUSLY IDIOTIC THOUGHT PROCESS, which lead to “psychological, physical and financial abuse” of a Daughter-in-law in India -

1. “Outsider Tag” – The main reason for evil, is the lack of acceptance of a daughter-in-law as part of the family. Everyday I meet and counsel families who “keep a daughter-in-law” out of a discussion.
I have heard thousands of stories of how the husband and his parents, talk secretly in a room while the daughter-in-law is made to watch TV, because she is an “outsider”…

The really ironic part is that, when I asked some of such people what they thought about “untouchability”, they had these really “amazing answers”.. But they failed to realize the same behavior in their own home!

2.  Insecure Parents – One of the most common lines I come across in counseling parents – “that women took away our son”.
Its time to accept it, most indian parents are selfish. So lets keep the “selfless love tag aside”.
They “invest” time, money and love on a son.. so he can repay by taking care of them in their old-age. The finer print to this is – They expect him to behave like an obedient 5yr old kid they die!!
They just get insecure when he starts to take his own decisions. Decisions that will revolve around his “selfishness” for his own family.
Has anyone heard the saying – what you throw into the universe, comes back to you magnified!!

3. No guidance through Adjustment phase – Have you every heard about Adjustment phase or Adjustment disorder?
In most probability you don’t even have the faintest Idea what it is.
Adjustment phase is the time it takes the mind to adjust into a new environment.
Adjustment disorder is very high levels of sadness, fear, depression and anxiety that one suffers, if the adjustment phase fails. In great majority of cases this disorder requires medicines for cure.

The adjustment phase for daughter-in-law in Indian setup, would be anywhere between 1 – 2years.
How much time is given to her for adjusting? – so-called PROGRESSIVE households say – 1 or maximum 2 months is more than enough.
During this time, no one guides her.. she has to learn on her own.

Now as you can logically deduce, the failure of adjustment phase leads the brain of many ladies into clinical levels of depression and anxiety.- this is manifested as fear, sadness, anger, irritation!!

TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY – how do Indian household take care of this depression/anxiety..  another IDIOTIC thought is seeped in – Have a child!! everything will be fine!! – no doubt we have reached 1.2 billion..!!
4. Everyone loves the Dark Side – It doesn’t matter how rich or powerful you are. It takes a lot of inner strength to stand against the Regressive thought process of society.
I have seen mother-in-laws who treat their daughter-in-laws like “slaves”.
They decide on her daily routine, feel pride in giving her “holidays” and hand over a list of things she “demands” her parents to provide.

All this Stupidity is done in the name of “SOCIAL RULES”.
Hardly a marginal percentage of people stand against this.. why?
Because its so easy to like the negative.

Remember in childhood you were taught – Bad habits come easily and are very difficult to go.!

Its so natural to like the dark side.. and as a big Joke.. Everyone prays to GOD for more of it!!!

5. Husband is still a boy not a man – Most men take a lot of time to mature. Maturity isn’t related to physical age, but your mental outlook. Most men behave as small boys, who are happy outsourcing their responsibilities to their parents.
A great number of men find marriage a legal way to have sex, someone to talk to and roam around with.
Most don’t have the maturity to understand the emotional and social responsibility they have towards their wife.
Most are not ready to accept the changes that life demands once they get married.
Most men cannot stand up to their mother or father and fight for their wife. But they have on great trait, they create amazing “excuses” to run away from this responsibility.

There are 5 additional issues, which affect a daughter-in-law. I will not write about them today, but sometime soon. These are -

1. Difference in rules for Own Daughter vs those for Daughter-in-law 6. Daughter vs Daughter-in-law.
2. Passive aggression – when In-laws slowly their own son/daughter relationship through gossiping, unnecessary intervention and rigid rules.
3. Turbulent past of Mother-in-law and how it changes her present brain-behavior pattern.due to her own turbulent past.
4. Parents of the “daughter-in-law”. – love vs. social laws.
5. having a girl child doesn’t mean you are blessed or cursed.. its change in your attitude that matters, else be prepared for a repeat!

If you like this article, do share it… lets together bring some change in the society!!

written by -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (Social Influencer and Motivational writer)
contact – eksoch@gmail.com

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Sibling Love?

Sibling rivalry is very common. Its very easy for a child to feel he is loved lesser than his other sibling.

Here are some tips on how can parents increase sibling love.

1. Teach children the importance of Unconditional Love

2. Teach them to be a team – Give their “tag-team” a specific name. Make them work as a team.

3. Let them give advice to each other. – Never over-correct the advice. Let them explore and understand the importance of giving truthful advices.

4. Teach them to defend each other. – Protecting each others gives a great sense of security.

5. Encourage them to share secrets among themselves. Its a good sign if they don’t tell these secrets to the parents. It creates positive connect.

6. Encourage them to make each other laugh and too cheer up each other.

7. Teach them to listen to each other. Don’t be in a hurry to behave big. Listen to each other, even if it sounds stupid.. its essential to listen.

8. After fights, teach them to forget the issue immediately and pick up from where they left.

9. Teach them to be each others supporter. They might not understand each others mind set, but by supporting the other they will understand the power of team work.

10. Teach them never to gossip or hurt each other publicly.. Its essential they feel proud of the other in public, shower appreciation to others and never let any negativity out.

MIND MANTRA – having siblings is a big advantage. Its essential that children are taught this at a very young age. It increases their team work capacity, their ability to love and makes them confident to battle the world, that they have a backing.

- Dr.Hemant Mittal

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5 Things to keep in Mind while counselling someone

People will come and ask you for solutions to their problems. Here are 5 things to keep in mind, if you are looking to “empower” the person.

1. Be a realistic – Don’t give make belief or fantasy based solutions. Understand the reality of the person, and then give him/her a solution.

2. Solve one problem at a time. Don’t try to cure everything in one go, else they might get confused.

3. Always keep in consideration the emotional pain the person will experience, while taking “corrective actions”. Its an emotional hurt, he/she will have to go through.
Think about it in advance – are you ready to be with him/her during that phase.

4. Have a goal oriented approach – Always know till which extent you’ll help someone and when you need to move away from him/her.

5. Know what you don’t know – when counseling someone, your ego will get fueled. You will want more and more control over the person. You’ll lose objectivity. Know when your ego, and be objective – if you cannot handle something…then immediately refer them to someone you knows what you don’t.

- Dr.Hemant Mittal (Psychiatrist)

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10 Common Mental Health issues one suffers when battling Clinical Depression

1. Every morning the mind says – “Another day living this life.. what good is it? “

2. Throughout the day you feel – “I am wasting my life, I could have been much better”

3. You loose interest in healthy eating – either you stop eating because there is no desire or you eat without any control.

4. You are loosing on sleep. – the mind is always lost.

5. You are always worried that something bad might happen. Your mind keeps creating unwanted situations and finding solutions to the same.

6. You are irritated with one or more more people in your life. Your mind oscillates between wanting to hurt them to running away from their thoughts.

7. You lose your temper very easily. You feel everyone is targeting you.

8. You tend to loose yourself in thoughts. This makes you forget things or not able to concentrate on daily tasks.

9. You desperately look towards weekends and holidays.

10. You feel there is no hope in life, and you are a slave to the current situation. Wanting to commit suicide or run away to some remote place.

If you have more than 6 of the above, then its possible that you have Clinical Depression.
This is a medical depression in which brain looses many chemicals.
The medical treatment is giving these chemicals back to the brain.

- Dr.Hemant Mittal (Psychiatrist)

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why relationship fail at the 3-5year mark

The highest percentage of divorces or relationship failures happen around the 3 to 5 year mark.

This is such a painful time for most couples as the illusion that ‘romantic love will last forever’ falls away and is replaced with feelings of disappointment and anger.

Instead of seeing your similarities you begin focusing on your differences and your partner’s flaws.

So, you get to work trying to change your partner back into the person you thought they were, or punish them for not being that way, or both.

Often one partner pulls away and withdraws, needing space… and the other partner needily chases them feeling emotionally deserted.

If you can relate to any of this in your own relationship, then your relationship is likely stuck in the Power Struggle to control the other.

This stage arises because one gets tired of adjusting. There is a major need to fullfill ones own needs and desires.

This stage can last anywhere from a few months to years and years, depending on the support and guidance you have and your willingness to grow.

Without the skills to navigate through this stage,  this struggle to get “control over the relationship in your own terms” can turn into ugly battle that can tear the relationship apart.

There are 2 ways most couples deal with this Phase -

  • THEY BREAK UP: Easiest way out is to exit and break up. Most people who take this path are never fully committed, easily look for support in a 3rd person, look for adventurous life-style and/or have a past of traumatic disappointments in love, which leads to intense fear.
  • THEY SURVIVE: They continue along their journey together, surviving through the pain and frustration. They slowly grow.  People who have chosen this option typically think in terms of  sacrifice and compromise.
    If both are willing to work, and able to control their anxieties – Their relationship eventually survives and finds a new stage of love.

    How to Resolve this stage - 

  • accept and appreciate each other’s differences
  • learn to share power, and realize that using force will never get you what you want in love
  • realize who you are and what you have (as a couple)
  • be careful of a 3rd person who will can come and destroy your relationship.
  • seek to control your anxieties.
  • seek professional help – A professional psychiatrist/counselor is not a 3rd person, as he/she is neutral and un-related to you. He/she looks to resolve your anxieties and give you goal setting exercises.

As simple as that sounds, actually it is not an easy ride for most couples.

It’s all too easy for one person to quit half way along the journey and end the relationship, because it just too much hard work.

In reality, when one partner quits the relationship midway, its because they are unwilling to face aspects of themselves that feel too scary. from commitment phobia, to highly adventurous personality to high sexual needs.. A partner that quits, has to stop running away from themselves.

The most important to thing to do for you and your partner is to seek professional help.
It can save you from destroying your relationship.

- Dr.Hemant Mittal (Psychiatrist)

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10 things you are doing wrong

1. Communication

Most people communicate in the wrong way – We presume a lot and henceforth creating a lot of expectations.

Communication has to be clear.
One should ask questions, and at the same time answer all queries.

2. Planning

Most people exaggerate when planning.
Be true to yourself, know how much you can do in a day.. don’t plan much beyond your capabilities.

3. Sleep

We all have a biological clock. That means your mind is habituated to sleeping for a certain time. Most people aren’t true to this natural clock. They tend to sleep more or less than their natural requirement.

4. Food Habits

Most people don’t have good eating habits. They tend to miss breakfast, indulge in a lot of colas and processed food, high indulgence in smoking/drinking or have a very heavy dinner.
All these lead to very negative effects on the mind and body.

5. Morning Madness

The 1st hour after getting up is the most important for both your mind and body. Its the time that sets the pace for rest of the day. By being constantly on a rush, running around, not feeling fresh or an occupied mind.. imagine what benchmark are you setting?

6. Time Management

Most people fail to manage their time. They focus more on the unimportant than the important. Distractions keep them busy.. This leads to constant feeling of restlessness in the mind. Adopting professionalism becomes tougher for them.

7. Spending time with Yourself

One of the most essential things in life is to spend some time with yourself.
Music, cooking, stretching, watching a favorite tv show, enjoying a coffee.. there are hundreds of activities you can do with yourself. They give your brain a boost and happiness.

8. Exercise

Exercise is essential for the body. It helps increase blood circulation and energy. Your daily routine is not exercise. You need to take time out to do small activities that promote a higher metabolism.

9. Deadline phenomenon

Most people like to complete work only next to a deadline. Delaying or postponing creates a very bad habit that affects their entire self.

10. Getting addicted to Negativity

Negativity is a very addictive emotion. It starts as an irritation, but slowly you can loose yourself in the same for hours, days, months or hours.
Negativity is build over a time, leading to sadness, irritation, mood swings, anger and distress.
Most people never do anything about the negativity because they are too busy enjoying it.

written by
Dr.Hemant Mittal (Psychiatrist and Motivational Writer)
for any query - eksoch@gmail.com

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awkward moments for teenagers

1. The F-word comes so naturally to you, at times you blurt it out in front of your parents and face the death stare!

2. You are watching a movie with your parents and suddenly BAM, a long kissing scene!

3. You write a hopelessly romantic text for your boyfriend/girlfriend, and accidentally send it to your parents.

4. Your parents bump into your teacher at a party and come to know that you have been bunking classes. What follows is explosive.

5. You forget to close the browser after watching bad things on the laptop. You share the laptop with your parents.

6. Your parents are out and chance pe dance maar ke, you have invited your boyfriend/girlfriend home. They come back early.

7. While emptying the pockets of your jeans for washing, your mother is horrified to come across a condom!

8. Your friends call you and begin the conversation with a shower of censored words. And then they realize that it’s your dad!

9. Your parents decided that you are old enough and personally subject you to sex education. *awkward*

10. You pass out after a party and your friends are carrying you back home. Your parents open the door.

11. Your friends upload scandalous photos of you on FB. Your parents like it.

12. Your parents catch you smoking away to glory in the nearby marketplace.

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An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says,

‘I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage… and that much misery is enough!’

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

‘We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the old man says.

‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!’

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

‘Like heck they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this.’

She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, ‘You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??’ and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Okay’, he says, ‘It’s all set. They’re both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!’

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Daughter-in-law diaries!!!

In last few days i have met a whole bunch of people who disrespect their daughter-in-law and her family.

The use the sad and lame excuse of tradition to justify their acts. But in reality they are just being emotionally, financially and psychologically violent on a girl and her family because of high ego.

Having a son doesn’t mean that you are given the privilege to abuse someone.

Its really sad that this is even prominent in the so called educated society.

Its so amazing that parents mould these Traditions and religious laws when they find their son drinking, smoking or having done something wrong!!!

But these same traditions and religious laws are used as a supreme truth to torment a DIL and her family.

If i have the power to request something.. I would ask each and every lady in this country -
1. Getting bad in-laws is not your bad luck… Its a failure of the system to identify them.

2. Talk and try to change your in-laws.

3. If your in-laws keep tormenting you or your family… Take a bold step -
A. If your husband doesn’t understand your pain.. Separate.
B. If he understands but wont act – separate. No worth living in humiliation.
C. If He understands but they aren’t going to change… Then move out of the house. Its better to break a family and be in peace..then live in sadness.

Remember its your choice to take emotional abuse or not!!!
By accepting all that they say.. You just fuel their ego more… Your hope that one day they might change will never come true.

Take steps for your own well-being.

-dr.hemant mittal

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