Madhu and Arun (names changed) have a had to work hard for their relationship.
The initial 3 years where extremely difficult. And the reason was Arun’s Sister.
Today they live a happy and peaceful life.
They both were attending a lecture on relationships that I gave.
In the after lecture interaction, they both wanted an answer to – how come a simple fun-loving girl had turned into a anger-filled, relationship destroying, devilish persona!
The simplified answer was – Need for Attention.
The complexities of How did this happen? let see –
1. The mind keeps playing tricks with you. One of them is to equate love with personalized attention.
2. When the brother got married, she felt he would now give her less attention, which automatically the mind equated to less love. This made her uncomfortable. She felt restless.
3. The mind devised a plan – creating a “great” relationship and bond with the brothers wife. Relationship building requires a lot of adjustments and understanding. The restlessness in her mind was not ready for them, so the new member in the family was supposed to do them.
4. Since difference in personalities meant that the bond couldn’t be established at the pace she wanted, it made her more restless.
5. This gave rise attention seeking – from being extremely friendly with the brother to extreme symapthy seeking for small insignificant things.
6. The mind started detach from real expectations and started creating imaginary expectations. The bond between her, the family and the brother was given extreme importance, beyond the boundaries of reality.
7. Her mind played another trick at this stage, and subconsciously labeled the brothers wife as evil or “the enemy”.
8. Now she looked for an ally against this enemy. She found one in her mother, who was living within her own ego castle.
9. The brother or father, even when they could see the behaviour change never objected to it. This gave her more belief that she was right.
10. The “brother wife” objected to her behavior, so it gave her a greater belief that she was the enemy!
11. Anger was mixed with expectations and restlessness. This lead to development of the devilsh trait of manipulation. The manipulations shown –
a. masking – having different behavior patterns for the “Brother wife”, in front of the brother and behind him.
b. Verbal abuse – by constant criticism and fault finding.
c. lack of empathy and humanity for the brother wife.
d. planning and plotting – highlighting her mistakes beyond normal, forcing her into situations where she was seen bad.
e. complainting and criticising her family members.
f. poisoning the mind of the brother, father and mother to demand “dowry” from her family.
g. poisoning the mind of all relatives and friends against her.
12. Her mother not only agreed to her point of view, but also encouraged her to overthink in this direction. Slowly their mind became so clouded that they constantly pressed for divorce.
How did Madhu and Arun relationship manage to survive this? – well that makes for another beautiful post will surely come soon!!
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Dr.Hemant Mittal (Motivational Writer, Social Influencer and Psychiatrist)
contact – firstname.lastname@example.org