Maya and Hari(names changed) wanted to share their story with all. They came to me after they had applied for divorce. They wanted to try one more time before calling it quits.
Their bone of contention was Hari’s Sister, Nidhi(name changed).
She had made it impossible for both to co-exist together. Separation wasn’t something they wanted, but just couldn’t find another way out.
Hari was perplexed with the questions –
Why would a Perfect Sister suddenly do things to ruin his happiness.?
Maya couldn’t forget all of what she did?
Hari & Maya had an arranged marriage as per the hindu rituals. It was Nidhi who chose Maya and vouched for her to be the perfect wife for her husband. Hari a confused male, relied on his sisters decision.
Nidhi created a dream wedding for Hari, and slowly Hari found Maya to be the life-partner he always desired. Naturally this made him even more “indebted” to his sister.
A couple of months After the marriage, Nidhi complained to her mother that Hari wasn’t giving them the same level of attention as before. He would spend more time with his wife and would even withhold information of how they spent their time and money.
She also felt that Maya wasn’t giving her the Respect she deserved. It was difficult for her to accept that suddenly her brother had a personal life.
Her mother calmed her down, brought this to Hari’s notice and suggested that both sister-in-laws should spend more time together. Become greater friends.
Hari asked Maya for the same, and she agreed without thinking twice.
Over the next 6 months, Nidhi would behave as Maya’s “best friend” but would secretly pass on all the information to her mother, father and Hari. Slowly the information started to be minced and presented in a negative form.
Once Maya got a promotion at work. She wanted to surprise everyone with gifts, so asked Nidhi for help. Nidhi agreed.
But Nidhi went back home and said that “Maya wanted to show-off her success”. Naturally the entire surprise was a disaster.
One day Maya was informed by the maid that Nidhi had been complaining about her to the MIL. Maya decided to ignore it and thought that the maid wanted some extra money.
It was only when once she went to sleep early, that she woke up 2hrs later to hear Nidhi talking extreme negatively about her. To her shock, everyone in the family was listening.
That night when she asked Hari about the same, he got angry and told her to start accepting the ways of their family. Being a better daughter-in-law and above all a good sister-in-law.
It was more than 1year of marriage, and Maya had started to understand what was going on. In the next few weeks she tried to talk to Nidhi only to be portrayed as the evil DIL.
Soon the entire house changed in behaviour. Hari initially tried to take her side, but soon he had no option but to side with his family.
Maya gave it another year. A year in which she gave up on her desires, tried to be “perfect” and fight the sadness in her mind.
She asked Hari to move out and live a separate life. But Hari found it an insult to his parents.
Slowly Nidhi gained more confidence. She started to “taunt” and comment on Nidhi in front of guest, visitors and even the servants.
Every move of her seemed to be motivated by some plan or plot.
If Hari wanted to gift Maya something, he had to get Nidhi something similar and better.
If Hari wanted to go out with Maya, Nidhi had to tag along.
Maya couldn’t take it any longer.. and she walked out!
It took 6 weeks for Hari to realize the mistakes he had made. After all he had been mean to his wife. He had disrespected her. He had demeaned her.. Why? Because his sister asked him for the same.
Hari asked for forgiveness, but found it impossible to stand against his parents.
When Hari asked me, Why did his sister turn into such a monster? The answer was the same issue that even he had been suffering from – FEAR!
Hari could never take his sister to a counselor. He had to make a choice, and his family didn’t give him a choice.
Hari & Maya finally separated. Hari tried to fight his fears. He even took medications for the same, but by the time he mustered the courage to leave home.. Maya had mentally walked too far!!
FEAR is one of the worst mental health issues. You might not be able to share this on your Facebook Wall, but surely you can copy & Paste it too your whatsapp friends!
Its nearly 2:30 in the morning and I’m sure most of you won’t read this till tomorrow. Actually I could have also waited to post it tomorrow, but something inside of me just wanted to put it out there.
My normal daily routine involves shutting my clinic between 10-10:30pm. Today was no different, I was just about to call it a day, when my phone rang.
It was a lady. In a very hurried and panicked voice she asked if she could get an appointment immediately.
Since I was in the clinic, I asked her to come over.
In less than 2min. a middle-aged lady was standing at my door.
Disheveled, panicky, with her hair undone and a big patch of redness on the right side of her face.
As she sat down, she hurriedly explained that her car was parked outside and she just tried her luck at dialing my number.
I asked her what was the hurry.. She could have jolly well taken an appointment for next morning.
To which she replied, “I was about to commit suicide.. Had I not got through your number.. I would have killed myself in less than 10min.”
I come through many such cases in my life, but very few had the conviction she had in her eyes.
She went to tell me, that the big red patch on her face was the result of a frying pan thrown onto her by her mother-in-law few minutes ago.
To add insult to injury, her husband was standing watching all this drama and just asking her to keep quiet…
When she threatened to go to the Police, he dared her with consequences. In a fit of anger, he held her hand, shouted some explicit insults at full volume and threw her outside the flat.. locking the door from behind.
The irony was this wasn’t the first time this had happened. She had gone through this humiliation at least 6 times in the last 1 year itself. And countless times in the last 6years of marriage.
Each and every time she had to spend the night outside the home and finally beg to be taken back inside.
The First time she spent the whole night pleading and crying at the door.
The next time she was in her night gown and had to ask the neighbours for shelter.
Once her mother-in-law hit her in the abdomen while she was menstruating. She spent the whole night in the car, crying, battling pain and bleeding.
And one time she was barefoot, so had to walk 2kms to a friends house for help.
She tried to contain her tears and give a brave smile.. while saying that after the first two times she had made it an habit to keep the car keys and mobile phone glued to her all the time. They where her life line.
Before today she had thought of suicide a million times. She had spoken about it to her parents, who had asked her to keep patience. She had spoken to her friends, who had asked her to have a baby. She had even spoken to her gym trainer, who had asked her to fight back. Everyone was busy showing her a “false hope”, and nobody wanted to understand or listen to her.
What was different Today?
Her mind had given up.
She was just sitting and crying in her car when she noticed my clinic.
She didn’t know me or had searched online.. For the last time, She just wanted to meet a neutral person who could answer in Yes or No to one question – “was she actually such a bad person, who deserved all this?”
If the answer was Yes she would die feeling that she deserved it.
If the answer was No she would die peacefully.
As we started to speak, she just wanted a Yes or No from me. From that point We spoke for nearly 2 hours. Finally a friend of her arrived and she took off towards the police station.
She promised me, she would get her life back.
As I walked towards my car… My mind wandered
- Tonight one woman would have killed herself because so many people she spoke too never listened.
- Tonight one life would have been wasted, because “you have to adjust and be good” is the greatest lie ever told to us.
- Tonight one woman would have died because another woman and her son are mentally handicapped by ego and anger.
- Tonight one woman would have taken her life, because “Separation” is a false social fear that blinds you from understanding the importance of self-respect, health and self-love.
To YOU who has taken the efforts to read all the way down here… This post isn’t about the like or share… But I request you – For one moment just sit down and reflect.. There are so many ways in which you can help others and help yourself. !!
Life is Precious..!!
Dr.Hemant Mittal (Psychiatrist and Motivational Writer/Speaker)
Madhu and Arun (names changed) have a had to work hard for their relationship.
The initial 3 years where extremely difficult. And the reason was Arun’s Sister.
Today they live a happy and peaceful life.
They both were attending a lecture on relationships that I gave.
In the after lecture interaction, they both wanted an answer to – how come a simple fun-loving girl had turned into a anger-filled, relationship destroying, devilish persona!
The simplified answer was – Need for Attention.
The complexities of How did this happen? let see -
1. The mind keeps playing tricks with you. One of them is to equate love with personalized attention.
2. When the brother got married, she felt he would now give her less attention, which automatically the mind equated to less love. This made her uncomfortable. She felt restless.
3. The mind devised a plan – creating a “great” relationship and bond with the brothers wife. Relationship building requires a lot of adjustments and understanding. The restlessness in her mind was not ready for them, so the new member in the family was supposed to do them.
4. Since difference in personalities meant that the bond couldn’t be established at the pace she wanted, it made her more restless.
5. This gave rise attention seeking – from being extremely friendly with the brother to extreme symapthy seeking for small insignificant things.
6. The mind started detach from real expectations and started creating imaginary expectations. The bond between her, the family and the brother was given extreme importance, beyond the boundaries of reality.
7. Her mind played another trick at this stage, and subconsciously labeled the brothers wife as evil or “the enemy”.
8. Now she looked for an ally against this enemy. She found one in her mother, who was living within her own ego castle.
9. The brother or father, even when they could see the behaviour change never objected to it. This gave her more belief that she was right.
10. The “brother wife” objected to her behavior, so it gave her a greater belief that she was the enemy!
11. Anger was mixed with expectations and restlessness. This lead to development of the devilsh trait of manipulation. The manipulations shown -
a. masking – having different behavior patterns for the “Brother wife”, in front of the brother and behind him.
b. Verbal abuse – by constant criticism and fault finding.
c. lack of empathy and humanity for the brother wife.
d. planning and plotting – highlighting her mistakes beyond normal, forcing her into situations where she was seen bad.
e. complainting and criticising her family members.
f. poisoning the mind of the brother, father and mother to demand “dowry” from her family.
g. poisoning the mind of all relatives and friends against her.
12. Her mother not only agreed to her point of view, but also encouraged her to overthink in this direction. Slowly their mind became so clouded that they constantly pressed for divorce.
How did Madhu and Arun relationship manage to survive this? – well that makes for another beautiful post will surely come soon!!
If you like, Do Share this POST.
Dr.Hemant Mittal (Motivational Writer, Social Influencer and Psychiatrist)
contact – firstname.lastname@example.org
Fear can make you do many negative things. One of the common negative behavior patterns is to avoid responsibility.
How does fear affect your mind?
You avoid responsibility and action because of fear of criticism, disapproval, or rejection from people near you.
You won’t do any activity until or unless you are certain it will be appreciated.
Sharing your thoughts with someone is extremely difficult.
You are always over-thinking on the possible negative outcomes of the situation.
Feel that no one can help you and need to battle on your own.
Loose confidence and feel inept, unappealing, or inferior.
Start avoiding or making excuses for taking actions because the mind is full of multiple negative outcomes.
1. Understand and accept your mind is full of fear.
2. Once you accept fear, its easier to battle it. If you keep denying and finding reasons for it, you’ll never able to fight it.
3. Once accepted, start slowly slowly conditioning your mind to battle fear. – start by tackling the smaller situations and then move towards the bigger one. 4. You need to constantly remind yourself about the fear.
5. Positive affirmations for the self are excellent ways to bring change over a long period of time.
6. If you are constantly failing Seek proper guidance from a good counselor or psychiatrist.
written by -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (Motivational writer, Counselor and Psychiatrist)
We live in a materialistic world. At any given time of the day we are consuming something. Be it a coffee at Starbucks or using the Internet, we are in constant need to consume.
Our success depends on our skills to convince others. The more prolific you become in the same, the closer to you get to success.
I was recently conducting a motivational talk for a group of 200 people aged between 25-40years.
While the main topic of the talk was how to handle depression without becoming an addict to psychiatric medicines, the post-talk discussion a slight detour and landed on tips on how to convince others.
1. The first step is that you understand the universal truth- you are a walking, talking and moving source of extra-ordinary amount of energy.
If you are ready to harness this energy, the world is waiting.
2. Energy needs to be channelized. An unchannelized energy source just burns itself.
3. The most important step is too direct all your focus onto self.
4. When you are able to control your focus, you now know exactly what you want from the other person.
5. If you approach a conversation without knowing what you want, you have already lost it.
6. Once you know what you want, its time to calm yourself. Remember 90% conversations are won by a calm mind, an agitated mind just creates more confusion.
7. Calm your mind – by taking deep breaths and concentrating in getting what you want.
8. Present your points with lot of positivity. Create a story around them.
9. Check the reaction of the other person.
10. Be firm at your belief and wants.
11. If you fail to convince the first time, keep patience.
12. Every successful man has thought of quitting at least for once. So don’t quit, try again.
Parenting is one of the most divine gifts. Its full of unconditional love, care and learning.
I believe Nobody is born a parent, you learn how to improve every single day.
While counseling many parents, I find that they fail to shield the child from their own negatives. Here are 5 things that one should avoid -
“My son hates everyone in the family. Doesn’t matter how much we ask him not to do so. As a child I used to share all my emotional pain with him”
1. A psychological weapon. - When a parent feeds his child mind with their own anger, resentment and hatred against other parent or family member.
At that time The parent might feel happy or even encourage the child to misbehave with the other parent or family members.
On a long run the child loses the power to trust others and is emotionally/behaviorally unstable.
“My daughter beats up her dolls every day. Also her school teacher complaints of extreme shyness.
I am myself depressed and stressed. Sometimes I take my irritation and anger out on my children.
2. The Punching Bag – Taking your anger out on a child is a sign of mental weakness. He/she might grow into a very anxious or scared child. He/she might be violent to others, to animals or to toys.
“My son has become over-demanding. His tantrums are so high, that we have to buy him the most expensive of gifts. He doesn’t care for them.”
3. Over-compensation – When you use a “corrective measure” to rectify your childs behavior, you are hit by restlessness. You are confused and guilty.
Many people try to rectify it by “materialistic exchanges”.
The child’s brain is very intelligent, he/she understands that by triggering your anger you will get anger and then compensate them with what they want.
“My daughter is very scared. She is always in one corner, lost in her own world.”
if a person repeatedly tends to his/her anger out on the same person or same group of people.. It will soon becomes a habit.
The mind finds happiness in this act. Slowly the happiness becomes an addiction.
To satisfy this addiction, the mind keeps creating new rules, new standards of perfection, and new way to create or find faults.
Any small fault gives it an excellent excuse to vent out the anger.
This is a common example of wrong mental conditioning.
Like any other addiction, The anger slowly increases with time. This can result in physical, psychological and social damage.
How to correct this wrong behavioural pattern -
1. The main reason for happiness is wrong way of Ego satisfaction.
2. Its a bad mental habit, and requires change.
3. The Person needs to realize he/she is doing wrong.
4. If he/she doesn’t realize it, then someone who they “listen to” has to make them understand this is wrong.
Two main ways of treatment -
1. Self-Help or Counseling is effective only when the person Develops an eagerness to change. Without it, its impossible to bring any change.
If a person shows eagerness to change then focus should be on -
a. Awareness of anger pattern.
b. developing and using various coping mechanisms during episodes of anger.
2. Medicines – A person who is unwilling to change has too take medicines. Medicines regulate the brain chemical and blood circulation. This eventually decreases the anger and creates acceptance for counseling.
Dr.Hemant Mittal (Psychiatrist and Motivational Influencer)
contact – email@example.com
Sex is an essential factor in the definition of happiness.
While most people shy away from talking about it, nobody can deny its importance.
10 common problems Indian couples face -
1. upto 50% men and women think about sex on a daily basis. – The inability to express these thoughts leads to frustration, anger and decreased concentration.
2. Average Married Indian couple has sex about 70-90 times a year.
At least1/3 of these encounters are a complete disaster with either one or both partners not being satisfied.
3. Majority women think of sexual activity as exercise to prove they are loved or keep husband “glued” to them.
They take it as a “signal”, that till he is demanding sex, he won’t leave them.
This makes them sacrifice on their own sexual happiness (as the act might happen in time or mood when they are not interested) leading to subconcious irritation, anger and sadness.
4. Many women fake an orgasm, just to keep their husband ego happy.
Not achieving an orgasm leads to the following.
5. Lack of sexual satisfaction makes a woman feel unwanted, hopeless, restless and sad. Its one of the common reasons for triggering medical levels of depression.
This is also one of the prime reasons for woman looking to have extra-marital relationships.
6. 80% of Men doubt their sexual capacity at least once in life. Most of them are not happy with their sexual performance, but scared to talk about the same to a professional.
They seek advice from friends, family or wife which might further increases their restlessness. Use of self-medication and products to enhance performance cause further health problems.
7. Upto 50% people in a relationship, feel they don’t have enough of satisfying sex.
Main reason – Lack of proper emotional connect and communication. L.
8. When men use sex as a way to show their “male” supremacy over their female partner. It can soon transform into domestic violence, sexual abuse and/or uncontrolable anger.
9. Mutual respect (emotionally and physically) plays a vital role in a satisfying sex life. 82% of sexually satisfied say they feel respected and loved by their partner during sex.
10. A great majority Indian couples only focus on the sexual intercourse phase of sex. Thats why they complain of the need for more love and romance in their life.
- Dr.Hemant Mittal (Motivational Writer and Social Influencer)
Met Priya (name changed) today. She is a member of this forum, and wanted me to share her story with all of you.
3 months ago Priya got engaged to Mohan (name changed). They instantly developed a great chemistry.
The first anxious meetings, slowly turned into a comfortable relationship.
Going out for movies, meeting up for coffee, introducing each other to their friends.
A month ago, Mohan tried to get too close and openly asked that they both should have sex.
She denied and wanted to do it only after marriage.
A small fight later, things seemed back to normal. But now every 2nd day Mohan would bring out the topic in some way or other. Be it giving example of some friends, sarcasm or criticising the old indian laws regarding pre-marital sex.
2 weeks ago, he tried to force himself. Priya again denied, this time he got aggressive pushed her so hard that she fell and fractured her wrist.
At home, Mohan created a big story thru which he gained a lot of sympathy.
Priya left traumatised by the incident, decided to call off the marriage.
When she told the reason to her mother, she shouted at her. She complained how she couldn’t handle this situation. Now 2 weeks from the wedding their name will be destroyed in society.
When told to her father, he blasted her for creating stories. He said Mohan was such a caring chap..Priya was just being fearful.
Her brother stood by her.
When Mohan family was told about the situation they went into an anger fit.!
Mohan denied any such incident and stood by his story.
Everyone blamed it on Priya.
One relative publically acussed her for having an affair somewhere else.
Mohan secretly called her – apologised half-heartedly, blamed her for not understanding his “love”, asked her to take all blame, let go of everything so both of them can start their new life. He promised he would take care of his parents.
Priya finally called off the marriage, but not before consuming half bottle of phenyl (floor disinfectant).. Burning half her stomach and battling death in the ICU for 3 days.
Today her parents brought her to my consultancy. The parents where angry on her.
But when i spoke to Priya, i found a very strong girl whose heart was broken by everyone who called themselves as ” well-wishers”.
At the end of my counseling session, in her weak voice she said – ” Doc, can i ask you for a favor. Please share my story with the entire world. There are a million of Priyas out there. I just want to tell them – i was wrong in trying to kill myself.. But i was very right in standing up for myself.
When i was in the ICU, with all those tubes in my body.. I just realized.. No one will care for me, everyone just cares for their idiotic social laws. Which they break every day, but still live behind them like hypocrites. I matter.. And only i can take care of myself.
I learned to love my life in the difficult way, i want others to understand it before its too late “.
On a Personal note – i would like to thank Priya for meeting me. She is beautiful soul and in her eyes, i saw the empowerment i wish every human being carries. The power of loving your self.
Dr.Hemant Mittal (psychiatrist, motivational writer and social influencer)